Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Starting Up Late

Well today was a fine day. I woke up to a cold bedroom unrested from a bad nights rest of staying up to late surfing the internet and writing blog articles.

So it didn't come as a big surprise when I shot awake noticing the time was 8:20. Then the faded memory of waking upto the 7:00 alarm came slowly back. You see, today my shift started at 8:00. Uh oh, trouble right? No. Not for a seasoned pro. What would you do in this situation? Hurry out the door as fast as possible, drive like a maniac, and grovel to your boss about how you messed up? No, no, no, NO! Let me explain how to handle these types of situations.

If you want to be a bad employee like me, you never take any responsibility when it comes to missed productivity. Here's how you play out this situation:

Firstly, shit shower and shave (guys face, girls legs if they're showing). Nobody will believe anything you say if you show up to work with messy hair, stubble, and you smell. Ladies that also means fresh makeup for you. Take your time to do the essential maintenance, eat something so you're not craving food all shift and go out the door.

Next is to get into work. You can either sneak in or walk in calmly and not in a rush. Guilty people rush. Calm people walk normal. If you safely enter undetected and make it to your lunchroom/locker room your in the clear. Congratulations! Depending on how long you took you have now won the excuses of "Stomach problems on the toilet", "Personal matter on the phone", ladies also gain +1 save roll to "Female Problems".

Got seen? No problem. This is when factors beyond your control come into play. Transportation is the best route. Own a car? It's winter. "My starter wouldn't turn over for a bit. I flooded the engine and had to wait awhile till it turned" or "My car wouldn't start and I had to wait for a friend to drive over and give me a jump". Using public transit? Even better. "Traffic was terrible", "The bus just kept going and I can't afford a taxi", "My friend/family who drives me sent me a text message canceling 5 minutes before I was to leave", "The bus didn't count my change correctly and the driver said I couldn't go on even though I KNOW I had the right amount! So I had to convince the next driver to let me on".

The key is to use things out of your control for an excuse. Never give the option of personal negligence, and NEVER apologize. Apologies are for the guilty and above all act calm unless you're a good actor and make an entrance where you storm in out of frustration.

Also: Your cellphone is always on the fritz and your provider sucks

1 comment:

  1. One time I used my great aunt dying (she's alive as ever) as an excuse, said I went to the funeral and such. Also, I've used many of those.