Sunday, January 9, 2011

Dane Cook is a Damn Liar

The topic of today's article is going to double as a movie review. Or rather a serious critique of how full of shit the movie 'Employee of the Month' is.

First off, we are introduced to the protagonist of the film. Mr. Zack played by the lovable and quirky Dane Cook. Putting a side all the controversy of his comedy (listen to Louis C.K's "Live in Houston" album) we'll look at him from a actors view point. The most glaring skew from reality that I can confidently say in my secure sexuality is that Dane Cook is a good looking dude. I lost it there when Hollywood tried to pass him off as a regular slacker big box employee. Look, I know I have a dark outlook on life, but that same outlook comes from being on par with reality and that I don't clog my braintubes  with useless things like vanity or religion. People who work retail are not beautiful, unless they're stupid nubile teenagers. The rest of us are out of shape monsters cast off from the set of 'Where the Wild Things Are' just trying to pull a paycheck to survive. In real life I've learned untalented beautiful people usually end up as bartenders, hooter girls, strippers, or reality TV stars.

So Zack goes about his merry way pulling shenanigans with his other employees while serving out his existence at the big box store. Wait? He has friends at work? With the amount of turn over in retail I hardly bother to learn co-workers names. I threw my own name tag in the garbage long ago (PROTIP: Never wear a name tag. Say you forgot it, lost it, etc. That way customers can't complain about your shitty service). And the people who stay around? Those are the people who "Enjoy" their job. What kind of lunatic could enjoy this work? Even the store managers hate their job, and they make at least 50K a year doing the work. Are you depressed and a bit suicidal working retail? Good. That's because you're not supposed to enjoy this shitty work, your brain is telling you something.

But Zack goes on, living in a big house and showing absolutely no financial trouble what so ever. Meanwhile, I spent the last two days scrounging for cans to recycle for cash and then had to decided how to spend my last $20 between gas for my car, groceries, and cigarettes to deal with it all. I ended up pawning somestuff for cash. But not in this movie. Money is no object or motivator for these employees.

So they go about their work. And again another unlikely situation where a woman Amy who is hot as JESSICA SIMPSON (pre-fat cow body) in the movie who comes to work for the store. As I mentioned above, this does not happen in retail. Chicks desperate enough for money who are that hot usually end up in something geared towards their looks. Be it waitress, stripper, "model", actress, or whatever allows them to parley their sexuality into cash. Because this goes into one life lesson I've seen all my life. Hot girls like this generally get stuff handed to them, or at least guys give them whatever they like in hopes of sexual favours in return (whether the girls know it or not). This builds up over a life time and the concept of hard work/labour is completely gone by the time they hit this age. Again it's Hollywood nonsense portrayed as fact.

The protagonist in the film is Vince (played by Dax Shepard) who is actually the most realistic depiction of an employee. He's deceitful, self-serving, and dishonest in his attempts to move up one spot on the employee ladder. Completely realistic! Fantastically captured essence of not just the 'evil' employee, but pretty much any other "successful" person in retail. Good job Hollywood you have certainly succeeded here!
He even has a immigrant side kick Jorge (Efren Ramirez)! Now we're getting closer to the real deal.

Shenanigans ensue, and for some reason Zack decides he wants to be great at his job to sleep with this cashier Amy. So he clamps down and starts taking his job well above the accepted minimum that I would put in for work and starts his quest towards the coveted 'Employee of the Month'. Ok, let's step back. All this for some pussy. Has this guy not heard of hookers? And from experience I can assure you that telling late-20s females that you work retail is the dating world equivalent of "I have HIV, stay away unless you got T-cells to spare". So instead of using this new found motivation to say...get an actual job or at least plan a bank heist. He goes off trying to win the heart of a cashier by showing 'work ethic'. The most underrated aphrodisiac on the planet. I mean having been in the Army I know I was flooded with panties after working 3 days straight with no sleep or showers...oh wait...I wasn't because it translates to nothing in the sexual realm.

Eventually the two mannequins go on a date costing less then $12 and for some reason she is impressed by this. All the while Vince and Jorge are doing illegal matters like breaking and entering into Zack's house, not to steal shit to pay their own bills, but to play silly pranks (A good justification to police I'm sure). Eventually. Zack's devotion to getting laid by playing the 'long game' soon pays off but stir in some "OH my god" it was a bet" drama, followed by the break up/get back together drama with his closeted homosexual friends, Zack soon comes back from the edge. I won't ruin the ending for you. But it's pretty typical and a single speech wins back the heart and changes the mind of Sugar Tits Amy and they live happily ever after.

Yet, having only retail experience in their late-20s which is just the main ingredient to a quick murder-suicide in some trailer park six years later when the DNA test comes back negative for Zack as the father before she can she run off with some rich lawyer abandoning the kids to abject poverty and no college fund in sight. Or at least that's how I'd write it.

Whatever. It'll make you laugh. Just take a grain of salt before you think it translate it at all to real life.
*grumble grumble grumble*

21 comments:

  1. Well that's a little upsetting.....

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  2. hahah i like your comment @Bobby lmao

    and yeah I'm not a big fan of Dane Cook; i used to be, but he seems like kind of a jerk

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  3. I feel bad for Dane Cook, always being wrongfully typecast as a funny character.

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  4. Hollywood hates reality. The whole business is built on spitting on reality and giving us something to fantasise about. We love thinking that the people that serve us are happy and having fun doing it, and that good always wins in the end.
    Also, looks like part of your third-last paragraph got cut off.

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  5. I love Dane Cook!

    Anyways, cool blog, I'll follow!

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  6. Life doesn't have an interesting plot like movies, so you have to go day to day with the same stuff. And usually that same stuff is crap, which is why they make movies on it to drag unsuspecting people in. Then when they get there they wonder where all the excitement is.

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  7. I never liked Dane Cook. Well actually, I liked his first album

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  8. Dane Cook is such a hack lol

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  9. i agree, those two actors made the film a piece of shit. should have used less attractive people

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  10. I was a fan of Dane Cook in high school but not anymore!

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  11. lol you're blog is by far my favorite...maybe because it relates so much to my own life :(

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  12. haha quality, nice interpretation ;)

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  13. You mean my five McDonalds stars aren't going to get me laid?

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  14. What a long review! But yeah, fuck dane cook

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