Thursday, January 13, 2011

Pay Day!

Oh Joyous Hymns ring out! The day has arrived! Today I am least misted with some cash to spend. It was an early morning as I had to wake up early for my other part time job for this crooked agency that sends out waiters to fill in at restaurants. I am one of those said waiters who you see who doesn't quite have that correct uniform and looks kinda lost while serving you. Only I spent last night blogging, and by blogging I mean reading everyone blog who I've followed (yes I do actually read your articles), commenting where valid effort is put forth. I also took in the Musashi III movie from 1954 Japan as I found it a very intriguing portrayal. So I had like four hours sleep max. Now before this turns into one of those "Dear diary, lawlz buoys r weird!" type of entries I will get to the sarcastic bitter commentary you've (I think) have grown accustomed to soon enough.

So when I woke up on my futon (yes.... I sleep on a futon frame) I hit the snooze of the cellphone alarm three times and finally rolled out of bed for my six hour shift. A quick shit, shower, shave and I was on my way! Now today was special. You see today was supposed to be an easy six hour shift. Why? Because I got sent out to be "that" douche bag who hangs around in bathrooms offering towels, breath mints, and spritz of cologne for your to cover up the smell of last nights afterbirth of Mexican food. The whole time making you feel bad in order to give me tips. Unfortunately this agency discourages tips and specifically sends you to places with a no tipping policy. The very reason people do waiting!

Anyways, I left an hour early for this place downtown which I thought was plenty of time. Until an hour and a half into the commute where my GPS has been saying I'm 2km away from my destination for the last five minutes and I'm seconds away from improvising a scene from "Falling Down". So after another twenty minutes in traffic and yelling wishful epitaphs at the dashboard like "Hurry the fuck up SABU!" and "God damn Savages!" I finally made it to the cute little checkered flag on my GPS. I found the closest parking lot across from this place and being already fifty minutes late had a well rehearsed lie to cover up my tardiness (he he 'tard'). When I saw it: $10/hr. Parking $13/Day max. I was blown back, firstly by the terrible math of some shyster parking lot attendant but more so that I wasn't told of this in advance let alone prepared to part with my recently found wealth. Albeit a small one.

So I drove my car into the lot without paying, parked, and just pondered to myself. Now in University I had failed Calculus my first year (why prove a theorem? Can't we just take your word on it?), but I did pass Statistics so my practical math skills were quite well and I knew that:
 (Days Pay - [lateness X Hrs] - Parking Fee = Much less)
Also I added that going to this place would guarantee I had to talk to some 'Floor Manager' and "explain myself" as to why I was late. So I quit. I didn't tell anybody, and nobody asked me where I was, never gave or received a call. I just quit.

I pride myself on never having been fired from a job. Not because I'm a great worker, but because as a bad employee I have a hardwired monitor of every employment situation and how the future is potentially going to turn out from certain potential actions (it ain't exactly chaos theory, but a workable cognitive tic of mine). I've posted before of how every job I work has a fuse: It's just a matter of time until it hits the detonator. This one had run out. Not that I expected to be fired from a company that exploits its workers. Which seems a bad habit of mine lately in choosing occupations, like that hot chick who runs back to her boyfriend every time the corrective facial surgery gauze comes off. It's was just the piling of the days situation that got me fed up with this operation.

And thus began the blessed "Day of quitting". I can't remember everyone I've ever done. But I can always remember the joy that I felt on those days. Like a junkie searching for that first high, the only difference is that every time I do this it's the same blessed peak. A wash of elation mixed with a calm relaxed feeling. I even had a cigarette to celebrate (the first of my lovely payday purchases)....oh shit...ITS ALSO PAYDAY!!! What!
It's like if Santa fucked the Easter Bunny and you got all your presents from giant Kinder Surprises!

So I quickly drove back to my end of town on the ever clear non-commuting side of the highway where I went to a gas station and...filled my mother fuckin' gas tank...Like a Boss.
Then got some more cigarettes...Like A Boss.
Then I went to the grocery store and got groceries...Like A Boss.
Paid off some Library fines...Like A Boss.
Paid my outstanding bills...Like A Boss.
And still had money for my date tommorow...Like a Boss.

Then after that I went home and gorged  myself on actual food in the afternoon (Nesquick Cereal! IT'S CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!!!) I went to work and actually had a good shift. It was very slow at the store so there was hardly any customers, less returns to put back, less helping required, and a nice pace in which to work. Most importantly, I didn't have any department supervisor buzzing over my shoulder like an annoying mosquito. And the manager that was working stayed well away since my little recorded warning incident.

All in all a very good day. I even took a break in the middle of it all to enjoy a cigarette and poop (not at the same time mind you) as I recently fed my immigrant co-workers a lie about labour laws. I told them the Labour code states every three hours you require at least a fifteen minute break. So believing me, I've now not only increased my own downtime on the job, But the downtime of others!

Fuck Yeah today was a good day! A small victory, but I'll take it um as I get um! More on quitting in general in my next post.

If you like my style of blog, checkout a fellow canuck Fruffles' new blog @ Entertainment Placebo
His chronicle as a Retail teller in a bank. If you think people go apeshit over ShamWows, just wait till you deal with the money of the lunatics. 

Further followup if you're still reading: I saw that Hunchback lady again tonight at the grocery store. I didn't acknowledge her or make conversation, and she didn't notice me cause I was wearing different shoes (ba dum tsk) but apparently she can drive. I didn't know what to think as she sped away.


  1. You're a water AS WELL as working for a big box retail store? Come on man, post some of those restaurant tales, I'm sure they're just as hilarious! Two customer service jobs though, I feel for you buddy, don't become an hero.

  2. Thank you for sharing your stories! Please keep posting!


    Great post dude, keep it up

  4. i always smile when reading your articles.

  5. nice story :) i enjoy reading it :)

  6. Really interesting bro, keep us updated ;D

  7. Oh my God... why have I never heard of Nesquick Cereal? :(

  8. love the post...always make me laugh


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  11. nice blog, just subbed to it.

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  12. haha like a Boss indeed, I applaud your daily efforts sir, stick it to the man some more and I'll keep on reading.

  13. Falling down has the right idea.