Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Recorded Warnings

Now, being a self-proclaimed Bad employee it is quite inevitable that I'd get a warning and/or "written up" for some acts of laziness or bravado that I am frequently found carrying out at work. So of course I wasn't phased a bit when last month I was given my first warning while working for this particular retail company.

If you've never had a job, or actually take pride in it you've probably never seen what a recorded warning looks like. Generally they are given out for more severe acts of not buying into the corporate culture or not following some printed script you're supposed to treat every situation as if it's the same with. But I'm quite the opposite. I think I've gotten warnings at every job I've ever worked. At first it made me sad, because back then I had some drunken sense of pride in making someone else rich. Eventually going to school and reading more kicked that out of my head. Which was the dumbest thing I could of done. Being having an IQ more than the outdoor temperature in winter.

But for whatever reason I started my life-long habit of getting pulled into the "little office" by some person who had traded their youth and passion for a plastic name tag, a different coloured shirt than the rest of the staff, and a phony title telling them they are important. They'd tell me how I had "failed the company" or "didn't live up to the corporate policy" and "Better show some passion". All for minimum wage mind you.
Why is it the people we pay the least we expect the most from? Can you imagine telling some dentist or carpenter that his/her work is great but to "look more happy" while they do it? You'd get told off or at least dismissed without a word. Yet it's everyday practice for these companies that try to project a happy warm and welcoming atmosphere. Meanwhile, the people who work there who did not swim on a tire from another country are absolutely miserable. Yet the former somehow sets the standard.

Anyways back to me me me! I was working a closing shift and of course there were customers left over after closing who feel getting a ShamWOW! is the most important thing to do at 10 O'Clock at night. So of course I politely try to shoo them out of the store like dust in a kitchen, but the interpret my interest as my desire to be their personal shopper. Of course this drags on as I escort them around the store. All the while my little "electric leash" aka. walkie-talkie is squaking from this big fat manager who has absolutely no clue on how to handle stress. Their asking me to go outside and collect carts. I bluntly tell them I'm too busy and turn down the volume on the walkie until I get this person out of the store.

Apparently they didn't like that as at the end of the shift again I was called into a little office. So I got the just of what was going to happen. Apparently fatty-bo-fatty took offence to me not being "a team player" and I had to be corrected on this. Ok, I've been in the fucking Army, I know how to work with others quite well. I also know how to take a person screaming in my face. That's why I turned this little pep-talk around.

When I first walked in I was asked to "Take a seat".
I replied with "I'm fine standing thank you" making two managers sit down to look up at me while they try to explain the reasons for this 'meeting'.
What followed was the usual dribble I've heard over years and has yet to change any of my bad employee behaviour. But a funny excerpt was when they said the phrase "disregarding of authority" which almost made me burst out laughing at the arrogance of a person in charge of people putting soccer balls on a shelf. 
What was funny was this fucking 'meeting' continued for like 10 minutes! It was the same non-sense over and over about being a "good" employee and other horse shit that nobody actually believes. That's when I realized how intimidated they were by me the whole time which was a combination of just staying silent yet firm and staring them down in their eyes the whole time.
The whole thing ended with a "please try better" and my non-chalant reply of "Sure, yup yup" as I walked away and out the store.

The kicker is I've yet to see this warning for me to sign in one month. So technically it's not on my file or record! They either were too intimidated to give it to me, or just plain forgot. Which is quite good for yours truly because now I've passed the three month point of working there they can't out right fire me and means a lot more paper work is required to show just how bad of an employee I can be.

29 comments:

  1. way to stick it to the man, p.s. love the bill hicks post from the other day

    ReplyDelete
  2. LOL love reading your blog dude, always makes me smile. Keep your head up, retail is shit and at least you know you're better than the assholes you work for

    ReplyDelete
  3. Good post. Seriously its people like you that let others know that its okay to stand up to authority. Following.

    ReplyDelete
  4. I hope bitching about work helps you vent the frustration with dealing with that kind of junk! It's pretty entertaining to read, at the very least haha

    ReplyDelete
  5. Sucks dude, that's life sometimes :/

    ReplyDelete
  6. Ok what idiot would try to cut themselves on a stupid sign. An idiot that reads the sign and then decides to try it to see if the sign is lying or not. Lol nice post :D

    ReplyDelete
  7. Maybe you should sit them down for a little 'meeting' on how to run a business in an organized fashion.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Sucks dude... just gotta keep going

    ReplyDelete
  9. dang man, you were in the army and you're making min wage? :/ sorry to hear that.. thank you for your service though. That's hilarious though, arrogant management lol

    [here's my blog if anyone's interested: http://lifeofbaron.blogspot.com]

    ReplyDelete
  10. hilarious man im the same way, fuck making companies rich while u get paid like shit

    ReplyDelete
  11. The people who have given me warnings have all been adults stuck in teen jobs. Keep your head up.

    ReplyDelete
  12. I've had my share of crap jobs and there's nothing more hilarious than a manager, mid 40's and clearly failed at life, yelling at you for disregarding their authority and not taking your job seriously. Does anyone in your position ever take their job 'seriously', especially when getting paid so little? You aren't paid to care. White collar workers making $50k a year are paid to care. Wait, been there. I didn't care either. Shit. :(

    ReplyDelete
  13. it's midnight here, where the fuck can i get a shamwow?!

    but in all seriousness, i understand your plight. i've worked my fair share of dead end jobs... pizza delivery, golf course maintenance, phone salesman... it's all the same shit when you've got a boss. gotta work for yourself!

    ReplyDelete
  14. good story dude, i worked retail for a long time and completely understand the hassle you have to go through

    ReplyDelete
  15. Good thing that sign is there to tell people not to touch the sign... or who know what would happen?!?

    ReplyDelete
  16. lol. nice. stick it to "the man".

    ReplyDelete
  17. omg that dominos report is hilarious

    ReplyDelete
  18. I absolutely need to go to the closest big box retail store and get myself a shamwow. The dominoes picture made me lol pretty hard. Keep up the good work man, reading every one!

    ReplyDelete
  19. P.S I find a certain degree of irony in the fact that the advertisement at the bottom of this post is for business execution software and better success in companies, haha.

    ReplyDelete